I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
