i jhust puked up my retainher.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
