If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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