please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
