Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
