i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
