So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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