Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
