just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize