dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
