he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
