I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
