There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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