I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
