hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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