You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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