she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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