Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm jealous of your bromance
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Who died my cat blue again?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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