I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
