You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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