Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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