I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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