After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
