never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
