yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
