party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
