im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
