i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
