I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
