I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you had me at cake vodka
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
