i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
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