Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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