I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
