How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Blood and glitter go together right?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
