I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
