I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
