i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize