you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
