Apparently you make a good broom.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
