my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize