4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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