My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
