I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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