Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
