I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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