Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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