Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
