apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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