I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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