And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I made him laugh his dick is mine
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize