we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
