he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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