So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
