Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
