I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
