the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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