I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
