I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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