I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I could fuck to npr.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
