He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
