Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
