i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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