If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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