6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
