There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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